Friday, June 30, 2017

A Big Pot of Loneliness

I speak for myself when writing, but I have a sneaking suspicion I'm not singular in feeling this way (because it seems, for me, to be a recurring, slow-moving battle I fight - one I so ever-delicately balance on the back-burner - yet, always return to shake)...

Loneliness. A great big pot of loneliness - with life smoldering, bubbling, burning - and feelings, heaped high on a pretty plate.

Aksel, 4 Months

Really, I guess, in simpler terms, one could analyze these words to mean that I feel overwhelmed. And tired. And stale.

Because oftentimes, I do.

Case in point, a few years back, I wrote:

"I feel very alone. Autism has changed me. Or really, to be fair, motherhood has changed me. I think I used to be more social. And fun, was something I easily had. Not so much anymore."

Now, please don't misinterpret, I do generally, for the most part, feel hopeful and happy. I just don't make, like most parents, enough time to truly "feed" my soul.

Instead, I spend my days "nourishing" others. Prompting children to "put" their clothes, to "keep" their clothes on, and to "stop" for the love of all sanity, peeing in the yard.

Bottom line, it's not easy being a parent. It's even harder trying to juggle it all: relationships, responsibilities, respite, and routine.

All said though, I'm thankful to be needed, and loved. (I'm also very thankful for the friend who just "dropped by" yesterday - who stirred my pot of "loneliness," with her unassuming loveliness, and bright, meaningful conversation.)

PS - I originally wrote this post in April 2017. I decided to "publish" it today, because I had my first child-free "break" (the first in nearly three years) a few days back. And to say I feel like a different person would be an understatement. I feel fresh, rejuvenated, and recharged! It really is important to "feed" your soul!

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