Milk Money.

A year ago yesterday, I was in a very different place, but essentially, my goals were the same.  Read what I had to say about getting financially prepared for an emergency. 

By the way, we had one this year.  More on our disaster later...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My little man is growing fast, with an appetite to match.  These days, I can barely meet his milk demands.  Try as I might, I'm sure he's thinking, "Mommy!  Come on now, don't nipple-and-dime me! More, please!"  (At least, I imagine he'd say please.)

I had a curious thought the other night, which leads me to today's topic.  I got a chuckle out of it, but it made a little sense...  If only I could save my money like I save my breast milk.  To some of you, this might be a grotesque comparison, but as any nursing mother knows, it's a commodity comparable to gold!  Self-professed, I'm frugal with my stock -- my neatly organized, frozen supply of liquid gold.  Sadly however, when it comes to the green, you know, a dollar, my bank account, my credit cards, I am not so conservative!

So, this one's for my father-in-law, Tony Kohn.

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Main Entry:  Kohn
Pronunciation:  \cōne\
Function:  Verb
Etymology:  German
Date:  1941

1 a:  To save  b:  To save everything  c:  To budget and utilize envelopes ‹To live the good life›

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In the last few years, I've had a true desire to roll my sleeves up, and get serious about my financial future.  However, for one guilty purchase or another, I have not!  I've read the books.  I've created my "Debt Snowball Plan," but I haven't followed through.  Now that I have a child, the stakes are higher.  The probability of a catastropic, "rainy day" is much more likely, and I want to be prepared.  Honestly, I must get prepared! 

So, I'm going to put the "things" down, the materialistic somethings that mean absolutely nothing, and I'm going to embrace the simple joys in life.

For those of you wondering, they are as follows:

Close, baby snuggles in the morning. 
A calming glass of red wine at night.
Love that isn't always easy.
And, family to understand and listen.

I am going to get financially fit in 2010.
If my milk was money, I'd be rich, debt-free, and lovin' it!

Thanks for all the talks, Papa e-KOHN-nom-ics!

Beatlejuice, Beatlejuice, Beatlejuice...

Beatlejuice.  I thought it was just an 80's camp film about a
strung-out ghoul and girl-in-goth.  Little did I know, beatlejuice exists on more than one level.  In fact, I learned just yesterday that my child's been drinking beatlejuice for nearly a month! 

Beatlejuice?  Beatlejuice!  Beatlejuice?! 

Yes, you've read right!  Now, read this -- http://similac.com/recall/

This takes beatlemania to a new extreme, and it's not easy to digest!

Once I bugged out though and came to shaky grips with the news, the guilt came quick... I let my child down!  How could I?  Why did I?

I haven't been particularly forthright of late, but the topic hasn't come up, and what with a nine-month-old, I'm kinda short on blog time.  Here it is though... I stopped breastfeeding Aksel at about four-and-a-half months.

I won't make excuses for myself.  I was tired!  I threw the towel in.  Knowingly.  Willingly.  I'm not proud of it, but I can't take it back!  In hindsight, I realize my selfishness. 

All I can say now is thank you.

Thank you friendly Costco representative for the courtesy call to inform me that the six oversized tubs of Similac Advance Early Shield Infant Formula I purchased last month were/are tainted with beatle remains and larvae.  (As of yesterday, we still had two plus containers left!)

Phew!  That's a relief to know!

I'm learning there's a lot of guilt (and worry) associated with parenting.  I'm also realizing I can't humanly be in control always.  I can only hope to safeguard my child from harm 99% of the time.

I'm not perfect, but I love my child.  I'm told that's most important.

"All you need is love." - The Beatles

(Given the circumstance, I thought this quote was appropriate!)

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The Second Week.

Week Two:

I cried.  I cried, and I kept crying... I couldn't eat, and wouldn't eat, cause all seemed dark. To add insult to injury, sleep was not a friend either. The love was still alive, but overwhelmed and unsure, I suffered great!

I can't speak for every nursing mother out there, but in my experience, breastfeeding is a lonely endeavor. Aside from hormonal fluctuations, I attribute it as being a main source of my unhappiness. Having the sole responsibility to both nourish and satiate my child, is an honor yes, nature's privilege to women if you will, but it's totally isolating at the same time! I struggled severely at this point and contemplated quitting altogether.

I sobbed over uneaten sausages -- wanting, hoping, wishing I wasn't the only person that he needed. I wondered in desperation and delirium, what exactly I had done with my life and how ever would I cope?  Pangs of sharp "emptiness" cut me deep, and shook my insides like a dirty rug. I threw up three times. I felt alone in love and hated it... I hit a wall!

And where, might I ask, was the time and strength I needed to love my man, my mate? I felt let down by, and unsuited for motherhood.

Salty puddles of tears I cried.

Feelings persisted, and I didn't want to needlessly punish my partner, or neglect my sweet, sweet baby any longer. So, I contacted my doctor, a new mother herself, and relayed my concerns. Lovingly, she assured me I was not alone in feeling what I did, but the guilt I felt at being resentful of my helpless child was the most shameful thing of all! How could I?

The moral of this entry... Life, parenthood and such, is not just love, love, curled ribbons, and love.  It's difficult!  It hurts at times, but I proactively made strides to address my sadness.  Knowing is half the battle, right?  I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am currently taking medication to help regulate my emotions and lessen my anxiety.

I can write about this now, but it has taken courage to acknowledge, even to myself, such burdensome feelings!  By the way, I'm still breastfeeding and Aksel's smiling big!

Mommy Jekyl and Ms. Hyde.

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