Living Life in 3D

I admit, I've been...[in a rut]...lately.

Really since Aksel's diagnosis, this past summer.

But it's time now for me to move forward and accept the challenge that is autism, to take active control of my health, both my physical and mental wellbeing, because life isn't easy under the best of circumstances.  And I want, in particular, to feel clear-minded, not weighted down with negativity or sadness.  I need to be confident ~ that much stronger for my child and his developmental differences. 

So, I choose to no longer feel:

Depressed.  Defeated.  Despondent.

I guess you could say I've been living life in 3D.  Which, as it turns out, is not all it's cracked up to be.  So, don't believe the hype!

(Or pay $16 for a ticket!)

But really, I'm making positive changes.

For my child.

Because I love him more than anything!  And, I want always to be his strongest advocate. 

Who knows, moving forward, he may need someone to speak for him, if he can not?

About 25% of people with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) could be considered nonverbal... 

And I want, unquestionably, to be that person, to be prepared to accept and face the challenges, however they unfold?

For my husband.

Because he's my partner, I love him, and we're going through this journey together.  It's not any easier pretending I'm alright. 

I want to be strong for him, too.  Truly strong.

And lastly, I'm making changes for myself...

Because, it's not selfish to want to be happy in my own skin, to no longer feel anxious or overwhelmed.

But with all this talk of change and resolution, I don't personally want, at this point in the process, to take a pill to solve my problems. And that's not saying I'm against medicinally treating my symptoms of depression or anxiety.  In fact, I took Lexapro for nearly a year after giving birth to Aksel.  But in some strange way, this circumstance, autism, translates differently in my mind to that of postpartum depression.  For instance, it's never going away.  My child will always be autistic, and I'll always be, as his parent, striving to cope with the effects.  So, I can't, or don't want, rather, to seek out a temporary fix for a lifelong challenge.  Instead, I want to delve deep and truly find my inner strength.

Organically.

Naturally.

So I'm choosing, at this stage in the game, exercise as an outlet to alleviate my stress, to help me better understand my emotions.

That, coupled with a healthy dose of writing, and a more concerted effort at communication (with my husband) should help to brighten my outlook.  (It has in past weeks.)  If though, I observe no real change of mood in say three months time, I will contact my doctor for alternative options.

I realize it's okay to feel weak.  I just don't want it, the negativity, to be all-consuming anymore.

I want to embrace the positive.  For example, Aksel now hugs!

PS - Many thanks for all of your reassuring, sweet comments. They've really helped in past weeks!  Much love to you and yours ~ XO!

The Second Week.

Week Two:

I cried.  I cried, and I kept crying... I couldn't eat, and wouldn't eat, cause all seemed dark. To add insult to injury, sleep was not a friend either. The love was still alive, but overwhelmed and unsure, I suffered great!

I can't speak for every nursing mother out there, but in my experience, breastfeeding is a lonely endeavor. Aside from hormonal fluctuations, I attribute it as being a main source of my unhappiness. Having the sole responsibility to both nourish and satiate my child, is an honor yes, nature's privilege to women if you will, but it's totally isolating at the same time! I struggled severely at this point and contemplated quitting altogether.

I sobbed over uneaten sausages -- wanting, hoping, wishing I wasn't the only person that he needed. I wondered in desperation and delirium, what exactly I had done with my life and how ever would I cope?  Pangs of sharp "emptiness" cut me deep, and shook my insides like a dirty rug. I threw up three times. I felt alone in love and hated it... I hit a wall!

And where, might I ask, was the time and strength I needed to love my man, my mate? I felt let down by, and unsuited for motherhood.

Salty puddles of tears I cried.

Feelings persisted, and I didn't want to needlessly punish my partner, or neglect my sweet, sweet baby any longer. So, I contacted my doctor, a new mother herself, and relayed my concerns. Lovingly, she assured me I was not alone in feeling what I did, but the guilt I felt at being resentful of my helpless child was the most shameful thing of all! How could I?

The moral of this entry... Life, parenthood and such, is not just love, love, curled ribbons, and love.  It's difficult!  It hurts at times, but I proactively made strides to address my sadness.  Knowing is half the battle, right?  I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am currently taking medication to help regulate my emotions and lessen my anxiety.

I can write about this now, but it has taken courage to acknowledge, even to myself, such burdensome feelings!  By the way, I'm still breastfeeding and Aksel's smiling big!

Mommy Jekyl and Ms. Hyde.

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Misconceptions and a Fist Pump Jig.

So, we're nearly a month in this whole parenting thing, and I can honestly say, motherhood is difficult! 

I mean, it's a combination of so much!  I'm particular, maybe even careful about how I word this entry, because I have dealt, personally, with so many emotions over the course of the last few weeks, that I'm actually a little confused about the parenting experience and my opinion thereof!? 

In writing this blog, I want to be as honest as I possibly can.  So, let me say... I respect the process, but it's one I'm only beginning to understand.  I don't even know if "understand" is the right word?

Prior to becoming a parent, I thought things would be finite.  I thought there would be a right and a wrong way to handle the situation, any situation.... I was assured and felt confident I'd be capable of discerning.  Oh boy!  Oh sweet little boy, was I completely ignorant?  I knew there would be difficult decisions to make and heart-wrenching, stressful moments, but it's so much more!  Things aren't as clear as I romantically imagined.  It physically hurts to hear my child cry.  It's totally misleading and difficult to read and hear a million different, contradicting opinions about how you should raise your child, or address certain issues.  I want the best for my child, that I question myself continually throughout.  I do realize that the mistakes I make will not, at this point in the lifelong endeavor, be held against me.  I'm trying to listen to and respect my instincts... not lose it and freak out!

With all of these personal mutterings of possible inadequacy and gut-wrenching baby love, we have made many strides.  Little man now has a belly button!  He's moved up in diaper size and has grown an inch and a half.  He's in the 97% percentile for height!  I also observed my cheeky fellow as he knowingly eyeballed my bosom last night.  When I unsnapped my top (as a bit of a test), he did a funky baby dance/fist pump jig.  I was tickled!  He's learning so much about the world around him.

As long as I do everything with love.  Thanks for the advice, Dad!