Week Two:
I cried. I cried, and I kept crying... I couldn't eat, and wouldn't eat, cause all seemed dark. To add insult to injury, sleep was not a friend either. The love was still alive, but overwhelmed and unsure, I suffered great!
I can't speak for every nursing mother out there, but in my experience, breastfeeding is a lonely endeavor. Aside from hormonal fluctuations, I attribute it as being a main source of my unhappiness. Having the sole responsibility to both nourish and satiate my child, is an honor yes, nature's privilege to women if you will, but it's totally isolating at the same time! I struggled severely at this point and contemplated quitting altogether.
I sobbed over uneaten sausages -- wanting, hoping, wishing I wasn't the only person that he needed. I wondered in desperation and delirium, what exactly I had done with my life and how ever would I cope? Pangs of sharp "emptiness" cut me deep, and shook my insides like a dirty rug. I threw up three times. I felt alone in love and hated it... I hit a wall!
And where, might I ask, was the time and strength I needed to love my man, my mate? I felt let down by, and unsuited for motherhood.
Salty puddles of tears I cried.
Feelings persisted, and I didn't want to needlessly punish my partner, or neglect my sweet, sweet baby any longer. So, I contacted my doctor, a new mother herself, and relayed my concerns. Lovingly, she assured me I was not alone in feeling what I did, but the guilt I felt at being resentful of my helpless child was the most shameful thing of all! How could I?
The moral of this entry... Life, parenthood and such, is not just love, love, curled ribbons, and love. It's difficult! It hurts at times, but I proactively made strides to address my sadness. Knowing is half the battle, right? I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am currently taking medication to help regulate my emotions and lessen my anxiety.
I can write about this now, but it has taken courage to acknowledge, even to myself, such burdensome feelings! By the way, I'm still breastfeeding and Aksel's smiling big!
I cried. I cried, and I kept crying... I couldn't eat, and wouldn't eat, cause all seemed dark. To add insult to injury, sleep was not a friend either. The love was still alive, but overwhelmed and unsure, I suffered great!
I can't speak for every nursing mother out there, but in my experience, breastfeeding is a lonely endeavor. Aside from hormonal fluctuations, I attribute it as being a main source of my unhappiness. Having the sole responsibility to both nourish and satiate my child, is an honor yes, nature's privilege to women if you will, but it's totally isolating at the same time! I struggled severely at this point and contemplated quitting altogether.
I sobbed over uneaten sausages -- wanting, hoping, wishing I wasn't the only person that he needed. I wondered in desperation and delirium, what exactly I had done with my life and how ever would I cope? Pangs of sharp "emptiness" cut me deep, and shook my insides like a dirty rug. I threw up three times. I felt alone in love and hated it... I hit a wall!
And where, might I ask, was the time and strength I needed to love my man, my mate? I felt let down by, and unsuited for motherhood.
Salty puddles of tears I cried.
Feelings persisted, and I didn't want to needlessly punish my partner, or neglect my sweet, sweet baby any longer. So, I contacted my doctor, a new mother herself, and relayed my concerns. Lovingly, she assured me I was not alone in feeling what I did, but the guilt I felt at being resentful of my helpless child was the most shameful thing of all! How could I?
The moral of this entry... Life, parenthood and such, is not just love, love, curled ribbons, and love. It's difficult! It hurts at times, but I proactively made strides to address my sadness. Knowing is half the battle, right? I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am currently taking medication to help regulate my emotions and lessen my anxiety.
I can write about this now, but it has taken courage to acknowledge, even to myself, such burdensome feelings! By the way, I'm still breastfeeding and Aksel's smiling big!
Mommy Jekyl and Ms. Hyde.
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Hang in there, love is not all pleasure, the suffering can be pain... the rewards will show them self later and you will be greatful for the suffering
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