Living Life in 3D

I admit, I've been...[in a rut]...lately.

Really since Aksel's diagnosis, this past summer.

But it's time now for me to move forward and accept the challenge that is autism, to take active control of my health, both my physical and mental wellbeing, because life isn't easy under the best of circumstances.  And I want, in particular, to feel clear-minded, not weighted down with negativity or sadness.  I need to be confident ~ that much stronger for my child and his developmental differences. 

So, I choose to no longer feel:

Depressed.  Defeated.  Despondent.

I guess you could say I've been living life in 3D.  Which, as it turns out, is not all it's cracked up to be.  So, don't believe the hype!

(Or pay $16 for a ticket!)

But really, I'm making positive changes.

For my child.

Because I love him more than anything!  And, I want always to be his strongest advocate. 

Who knows, moving forward, he may need someone to speak for him, if he can not?

About 25% of people with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) could be considered nonverbal... 

And I want, unquestionably, to be that person, to be prepared to accept and face the challenges, however they unfold?

For my husband.

Because he's my partner, I love him, and we're going through this journey together.  It's not any easier pretending I'm alright. 

I want to be strong for him, too.  Truly strong.

And lastly, I'm making changes for myself...

Because, it's not selfish to want to be happy in my own skin, to no longer feel anxious or overwhelmed.

But with all this talk of change and resolution, I don't personally want, at this point in the process, to take a pill to solve my problems. And that's not saying I'm against medicinally treating my symptoms of depression or anxiety.  In fact, I took Lexapro for nearly a year after giving birth to Aksel.  But in some strange way, this circumstance, autism, translates differently in my mind to that of postpartum depression.  For instance, it's never going away.  My child will always be autistic, and I'll always be, as his parent, striving to cope with the effects.  So, I can't, or don't want, rather, to seek out a temporary fix for a lifelong challenge.  Instead, I want to delve deep and truly find my inner strength.

Organically.

Naturally.

So I'm choosing, at this stage in the game, exercise as an outlet to alleviate my stress, to help me better understand my emotions.

That, coupled with a healthy dose of writing, and a more concerted effort at communication (with my husband) should help to brighten my outlook.  (It has in past weeks.)  If though, I observe no real change of mood in say three months time, I will contact my doctor for alternative options.

I realize it's okay to feel weak.  I just don't want it, the negativity, to be all-consuming anymore.

I want to embrace the positive.  For example, Aksel now hugs!

PS - Many thanks for all of your reassuring, sweet comments. They've really helped in past weeks!  Much love to you and yours ~ XO!

Purposefully Silent: A Blog Confession

Bless me fathers (and mothers), for I have sinned.  It's been three months since my last good blog confession...

Really though, I must come clean.

I've kept you at arm's length for a while now.  Purposefully.

For fear, uncertainty, or just not knowing how to say it, I haven't. Zip.  Nada.  Niente.  And I'm sorry!

Happy 70th Birthday, Pop Pop!

Silence is an uncharacteristic trait for me, but I'm a mother, and to protect comes first.  It comes natural really... 

So, pardon my hushed ways and let me fill you in.

But before I sock it to ya, enjoy a few carefree happenings of late.  

• Aksel took his first plane ride this past weekend to celebrate his Pop Pop's surprise 70th birthday party.  (He was a gem!)
• He also underwent a stylish (and tear-free) transformation last week when he got his second haircut.  See the first here.
• And my little boy graduated to the next level at Little Gym. No longer a birdie, Aksel is now a beast.  (And we're so proud!)

Aksel enjoyed spending time with his cousins,
Caroline and Charlie, this past weekend. 

But now, the real deal.  What you've all been waiting for.  What I'll just say in terms plain and simple... Aksel may be autistic.

And I don't like the label, nor do I understand its meaning.  (If I'm being truthful.)  But there's something different about my boy...

He's wise and quiet, like an old winding river.  Curious 'bout things like wind in trees and screws-n-bolts.  Expressive but not talking.

So, we're testing.  And it's difficult.  But I'm thankful every minute! For Aksel, my husband and loved ones, my health and good fortune.

I just felt it time I share.  

PS - Is anyone else (with a young toddler) experiencing a similar situation?  If so, I'd love to hear your story.

PPS - Moving forward, I'll let you know how things progress.  So far, we've ruled out any audiology concerns.  

The Rising Action (or Lack Thereof).

Now that the cat's outta the bag, and I've exposed myself here...

I'll get right to it.  I'll bring it, so to speak, and talk openly about SEX post-marriage, post-baby.  From my very own viewpoint, no less.

                                                                                                             jabberpics

So, here it is... the rising action.  Although, if I'm being frank, there's a whole lotta rising and very little action to speak thereof.

Ya catch my drift?

That's right.  I don't want to have sex!  In fact...

My libido has flatlined, and it has nothing to do with performance or love-n-desire or just about anything you might imagine?!

Really, it's all psychological.  In my mind, I've made sex "dirty," and I don't know if it's long-stemming from my childhood (because I didn't see outward showings of my parents' love for one another), or if it's got to do with all my "silly" self-loathing, my lack of self-worth?

Basically, I don't feel attractive or "sexy," and my confidence is shot. But, my husband doesn't mind if I'm soft 'round the middle!

So, I kindly ask:

• WHY all the sex hang-ups?

Go figure, my only conclusion is FEAR.

Honestly, I'm afraid to let the control go.  I'm terrified of living up to the now-you're-married-so-you-don't-have-sex cliché.  I'm even more scared of growing old and growing unattractive in my husband's eye.

But it's IRONIC, because...

To be continued...

A Blog Exposition.

I decided I would open a can o' worms today.

So, it's best I clearly state my intentions and start at the beginning.

WARNING:

1. Don't get your hopes up too high, and please...
2. Bear with me in my moments of indecisive, "should-I-really-go-there" prose, because it could get hairy!

Oh, and...

Dear Dad,

If you are in fact reading this, you may want to consider accomplishing another computer task... I know you have one! For instance, you could bank online, enjoy a few carefree google searches, or "poke" your closest facebook chums. 

Better yet, Pops, get on those taxes.  Uncle Sam is a' callin'.

Love,  

Gillian 

Now, where was I?  Oh, that's right... the BEGINNING.

Before I delve in (and name my initial topic, which in turn opened one said "can o' worms" ), I must first share a few facts about myself, so as to better relate.  Let's call it my blog exposition.

                                                                     jabberpics

I am...

• A child of DIVORCE.
• Struggling to understand the institution of marriage, intimacy (without sex), and healthy communication, etc.
• Grappling with the societal expectations of being a mother, and how that can unfairly redefine one's sexuality.
• AFRAID OF VULNERABILITY!

With that all said and done, I want to talk about SEX...

Namely, sexuality post-marriage, post-baby.

Or, in my circumstance, post-baby then post-marriage.  HA!

Photos by Jabberpics

And I'm not afraid or embarrassed... anymore.  Honesty, regardless of its ensuing criticism or unflattering opinions, is our greatest asset.  In the end, it's all we have (aside from our stories).

So...

Stay-tuned for the rising action of this momma's G-RATED sex story.

When It's All You've Ever Wanted.

As something of a follow-up to this morning's indulgent post...

I know how difficult it is to be a good wife and mother.  Especially, when it's all you've ever wanted.  But what I'm learning, is that I need to cut myself a little slack and breathe.  It's all okay, and I'm actually a better everything when I'm vulnerable and feeling.  DING DING!

So, here's where the barking stops.

My child is healthy.  My husband is supportive and loving.  I am fortunate on so many levels, for so many things...

So strangely, what I mean to say, is that I respect my mother even more for her incapability.  Yes, parts of me want to blame her for my feelings of ineptitude, for my insecurities, but it isn't her fault.  She just didn't have the coping skills to be for everyone else.

And what I need to learn, is that I'm not her.  My problems aren't hers, and vice versa.  I make a conscious decision each day to be either happy or not, and control is a cop out.

Myself, on the other hand, I will not fail at communicating, loving, or most important, knowing myself through and through. 

THREE CHEERS for vulnerability!  Now, let the real fun start.

What are your emotional setbacks?  I'd love to know...



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The Personification of Control.

I'm going to cut to the emotional chase. I've been in something of a funk recently, and I need to forge my way out...

Plain and simple, I need to get in shape!

I feel overwhelmed though. 

I realize this post has the makings of an "are you or someone you know suffering from depression" commercial, but somewhere along the line, I've stepped out of my body, and I can't seem to get back in.  It's embarrassing to admit, too.

I realize I'm not the first mother or wife or dreamer to struggle.  I know I need to lose ten pounds, but it's more than just that.  It's a serious bully named control I battle most with, because...

When it's quiet, I don't feel adequate.

I never have, either.

So, what I'm saying, is that the weight isn't the real issue at hand.  It's control and his manipulative sidekick, self-esteem.

In my head, because I'm not perfect, or 135 pounds, I don't deserve love.  And I ask, where did this warped mindset come from? 

Often in my life, I've been criticized for not being open, for being afraid of vulnerability.  Out of circumstance, I argue I was conditioned to be strong, to save face, to control my feelings.

If you're a new follower, you must know, my mother left when I was a young teenager.  At the time, my sister was six, and my brother, ten months.  Her breakdown, and breakaway, broke our hearts, and I've always been afraid.  So, I turned to control.

Afraid of hurt, that is.  Feeling it, and more important, causing it.

Also, afraid of just plain ol' not being good enough.

Point of all this rambling though, I'm struggling to accept an ally named unconditional. 

Love, that is.

I'm wary of believing in him, unconditional, and I'm suspect to think he'll leave.  So, I struggle.  I control, too.

But lately, I can't seem to control anything?!  And I'm confused?

My weight, no less.  Blah... blah... blah...

It's just high time I get to the source of my emotional setbacks.  Now that I've personified control, I need to banish bad thoughts and dispel negative energy.  Basically, I need to learn to love myself, and I think it will all be better after a long walk with baby.



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MOM-zilla and the Auspicious S-Word!

I talk about being a mother all the time, but rarely do I talk about being a partner, or a wife.

I touch on this subject, because I did something new...

I apologized to my husband for being a bitch.

Out of the blue, and on my own free will, I shocked both myself and my husband by saying the auspicious S-word.  You know, S-O-R-R-Y!

By the way, sorry for the B-word.

Plain and simple, I have goals for myself as a mother.  Shouldn't I have goals for myself as a wife, too?

Maybe everyone else out there already does, but I'm just realizing now, how I justify my MOM-zilla ways.

I mean, I'm not looking to be the next Donna Reed or anything, but I don't want to be Roseanne, either!

It's my goal to be a better partner and communicator.  To start, I think I should take some advice from all the mommy books I read, and start complimenting/praising my partner for all that he does.

Thanks for making dinner, honey!  Thanks for doing the dishes, too! 

No seriously, I'm thankful!  I love you, boo-boo!

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War and Peace on Brody Avenue.

I took some time to think long, and even longer still, about my communication tendencies.  Basically, I am weak in all departments. 

• Anger is a problem, yes. 
• Defenses are on point, always.  
• Timing is right, never. 
• Tone?  Don't get me started.

Today is a new day, so I won't mercilessly beat myself up.  I realize it's going to take both time and patience to change -- to answer all the questions I have posed.  This afternoon, however, instinct leads me to fear, and with respect to that impulse, I'll start just there.

I'll come clean and confess...

In life, I am most afraid of failing my child, and my partner, inflicting serious, irreversible hurt.

So, I endeavor to get to the bottom of the fear.  To let the hurt out... finally.

I realize to successfully accomplish this goal, I must better understand my communication behavior.  I must also acknowledge the pain I have felt, and suppressed, for years & years.  It's not going to be pretty, but I'm up for the challenge!  In my life, there's no time like the present.  With that being said, I look to explicitly address my issues, my hang-ups, and my hold-me-backs in life.

We all have 'em, right?  As I've said before, knowing is half the battle.

I assume many of you are curious as to why I'm writing about this?  If so, dear Reader, rest assured, for I have my reasons.  I'll name a few.

"I choose to address my communication shortcomings because..."

1. I am a child of divorced parents, and I don't ever want to quit on my partner.  With each new hardship, I seek to grow in my adult relationship.  (I'm not saying it will be easy!)
2. I have deep abandonment issues stemming from my Mother's exit from our family home at age thirteen, and I don't desire to foster my insecurities any longer!  It's crucial I trust in my partner, and in myself, more important.
3. I have younger siblings who look to me for advice, wisdom, and know-how.  For them, I hope to embody strength through vulnerability.  (It's not a weakness to cry, or to forgive!)
4. I am a mother now, and I strive to be a living example of love & stability for Aksel.  To achieve this, I must learn, teach, and believe in the merits of love without conditions.
5. There's a first time for everything.

At this point, I must say, in writing, that it is not my objective to hurt anyone!  I don't look to bash, or point fingers at my parents for their mistakes, rather I seek to learn from their troubles.  I must be honest though!  I am trying to come to terms with motherhood.

From the above list, one can infer that I was truly, truly hurt by my parent's divorce.  (As a side note, I proudly grew up in a single-parent, DADDY household!)  My Mother's indiscretions and subsequent departure, are the great traumata of my life, to date.  And, the psychological wounds have not yet healed, some fifteen years after my parent's separation.

I fear hurting my loved ones, because I know, intimately, how it feels to be rejected! 

In my mind, however, my parents had a failure to communicate.  I love them all the same, mistakes and all, and really, I'm strangely thankful for the hurt.

I am who I am, because I've seen what I've seen.  Simply put.

On that note, I'll conclude my thoughts for the day.  Otherwise, you'd have a novel on your hands, War & Peace On Brody Avenue.

More to come on communication...

A Long, Soulful Think.

I attempted to major in communications whilst in college.  I came very close to achieving that goal in fact.  Believe it or not, I'm only twelve-credit hours shy of receiving my degree!  Ridiculous, right?  But, life has a funny, unpredictable way of panning out, and needless to say, I have NOT graduated from college -- yet. 

The point of this silly admission...

Rather, there are a few points to be made.  First of all, in efforts to not obtain my communications degree, I passed many long hours in lecture, hearing time and time again, how important it was that I "know my audience."  So, I ask a variation of that question now, "who is my blog audience?"

See, I DID learn something in college, and my monthly student loan payments ARE worth it!

As if it wasn't already clear, my blog audience, so to speak, are my fellow mommies, coping, and the single dads, struggling.  (I will touch on this later.)  Oh, and I can't forget the occasional doting grandparent.  You know who you are!

Subsequently, another communication point I wish to make, or questions I pose to ask, are (1) how do I communicate with my partner?  Specifically, by what means do I express my emotions, and when?  Do I convey my thoughts clearly, so as to be understood by my partner, or do I let anger undermine my good intentions?  Also, do I emote in a time-appropriate manner, or do I wait until the issue is a problem?  Do I listen with an open-heart, and comprehend my partner's viewpoint?  (2)  How do I communicate with my child?  (3) How do I communicate with myself?  (4) And lastly, how did my parent's ability to communicate with each other affect all of the above?

Now, the arduous task of digging deep to unearth the answers.

I believe I'll sleep on it, and have a long, soulful think. 

To be continued...