Anymore + Evermore

You know what, I'm not going to "quiet" my kid anymore. And I'm not going to "pretend" anymore, for the sake of social norms, that my child doesn't, or isn't, feeling something he can't "appropriately" communicate (based off other people's comfort levels or skewed terms of acceptability). Because guess what, "normal" doesn't exist anymore. And it never did, actually. I'm just sad, and sorry, it took me so long to wake up. But here it is, I'm not in a "fog" anymore. And I'm happy to say, I'm not going to worry about "you" anymore. So, for the record:

• My kid WILL scream when he's overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, excited, sad, angry, or indifferent.
• My son WILL drop to the ground kicking for reasons unknown to both you and me.
• My boy WILL make a scene to be seen, and "heard."

And I will not apologize anymore. Because, I am proud of him. For always, and evermore!

Moral of this post, and reminder to myself, respond intentionally.

Now, can I get any more photos of Aksel's face in just one post? And as a side note, I think, moving forward, he should take all of my pictures. What do you think?

Like the Calm after a Storm

When Aksel was 19-months-old, a few weeks prior to his official diagnoses (of autism and childhood apraxia of speech), I received his first speech and language evaluation. It was not good...

With the bold words "severe" and "significant" splashed on its pages (like that of a messy abstract painting), I cried. I bawled! I sobbed the whole drive home...

It was the ugliest, most gut-wrenching cry of my life - to date!

At one year and seven months old, Aksel's expressive language communication age score was that of an eight-month-old. In the area of receptive communication, he received an age equivalency score of twelve months.

And strange enough, after all these years, I somehow found this evaluation today. (I used to be really organized. Now, I'm just hanging by a thread!)

These three pages were so impacting though, especially now looking back, because it was, in late-August of 2011, that, for the first and only time, I "doubted" my child. And myself, as a mother too.

To be clear, I believed, prior to receiving these "sheets of paper," these calculated findings, that Aksel "understood" me. (Specifically, my language when talking to him.) And even though I felt concern and worry for his development (hence the testing, etc.), I took comfort in knowing that I "knew" my child. But these words, these "professional" words, put into question everything I held to be true about Aksel, and his capability.

After reading, and re-reading the jargon-filled pages... there were now limits. There were barriers. There was ground that could never be covered.

And honestly, looking back, I don't know for how long, I hesitated? But somewhere, at some point along the way, my inner-dialogue of doubt, grew quiet, and I trusted again - in both Aksel and myself. Like the calm after a storm.

And today, to see my seven-year-old flourishing, on par with his peers - adding fractions, reconfiguring trapezoids, spelling "America" - I know I needed to feel the fire and pain, to believe wholeheartedly in "us." To push. And nowadays, I take evaluations and tests with a grain of salt. They're no big deal. They're not a game-changer... for us.

I wouldn't change a thing...

Just Shy of Acceptable.

Is your child shy?  If so, does is it make you uncomfortable in social situations?  I mean, do you feel obliged to make excuses? 

I do, and I feel bad about it.  I'm wondering though, is it my problem, or does society expect too much?  Speaking for myself...

I feel pressure when my child doesn't acknowledge people with a smile, or hint of recognition, because I know they want it!

They want giggles and gleaming eyes, outward affection.

So, in response to their unspoken disappointment, I make excuses. 

Ones like:

"He's usually not this quiet," or...

"It just takes him a little time."

I feel ashamed of this mommy behavior, and I want to change it.  My child isn't justifying my personality traits, or my awkwardness.

My boy is who he is, and he's sure proud of it!

Most likely, I'm the one with silence issues, and it's my social anxiety reering its nasty head, but it's something to think about.

I just appreciate the honesty my child exhibits, and I think I stand to learn from it.  When a stranger gets in Aksel's face, he doesn't react based on society's expectations.  He responds truthfully, in accordance to his own comfort.  Whatever that might be?

My boy is independent, and contentedly shy.

Beatlejuice, Beatlejuice, Beatlejuice...

Beatlejuice.  I thought it was just an 80's camp film about a
strung-out ghoul and girl-in-goth.  Little did I know, beatlejuice exists on more than one level.  In fact, I learned just yesterday that my child's been drinking beatlejuice for nearly a month! 

Beatlejuice?  Beatlejuice!  Beatlejuice?! 

Yes, you've read right!  Now, read this -- http://similac.com/recall/

This takes beatlemania to a new extreme, and it's not easy to digest!

Once I bugged out though and came to shaky grips with the news, the guilt came quick... I let my child down!  How could I?  Why did I?

I haven't been particularly forthright of late, but the topic hasn't come up, and what with a nine-month-old, I'm kinda short on blog time.  Here it is though... I stopped breastfeeding Aksel at about four-and-a-half months.

I won't make excuses for myself.  I was tired!  I threw the towel in.  Knowingly.  Willingly.  I'm not proud of it, but I can't take it back!  In hindsight, I realize my selfishness. 

All I can say now is thank you.

Thank you friendly Costco representative for the courtesy call to inform me that the six oversized tubs of Similac Advance Early Shield Infant Formula I purchased last month were/are tainted with beatle remains and larvae.  (As of yesterday, we still had two plus containers left!)

Phew!  That's a relief to know!

I'm learning there's a lot of guilt (and worry) associated with parenting.  I'm also realizing I can't humanly be in control always.  I can only hope to safeguard my child from harm 99% of the time.

I'm not perfect, but I love my child.  I'm told that's most important.

"All you need is love." - The Beatles

(Given the circumstance, I thought this quote was appropriate!)

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The Second Week.

Week Two:

I cried.  I cried, and I kept crying... I couldn't eat, and wouldn't eat, cause all seemed dark. To add insult to injury, sleep was not a friend either. The love was still alive, but overwhelmed and unsure, I suffered great!

I can't speak for every nursing mother out there, but in my experience, breastfeeding is a lonely endeavor. Aside from hormonal fluctuations, I attribute it as being a main source of my unhappiness. Having the sole responsibility to both nourish and satiate my child, is an honor yes, nature's privilege to women if you will, but it's totally isolating at the same time! I struggled severely at this point and contemplated quitting altogether.

I sobbed over uneaten sausages -- wanting, hoping, wishing I wasn't the only person that he needed. I wondered in desperation and delirium, what exactly I had done with my life and how ever would I cope?  Pangs of sharp "emptiness" cut me deep, and shook my insides like a dirty rug. I threw up three times. I felt alone in love and hated it... I hit a wall!

And where, might I ask, was the time and strength I needed to love my man, my mate? I felt let down by, and unsuited for motherhood.

Salty puddles of tears I cried.

Feelings persisted, and I didn't want to needlessly punish my partner, or neglect my sweet, sweet baby any longer. So, I contacted my doctor, a new mother herself, and relayed my concerns. Lovingly, she assured me I was not alone in feeling what I did, but the guilt I felt at being resentful of my helpless child was the most shameful thing of all! How could I?

The moral of this entry... Life, parenthood and such, is not just love, love, curled ribbons, and love.  It's difficult!  It hurts at times, but I proactively made strides to address my sadness.  Knowing is half the battle, right?  I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am currently taking medication to help regulate my emotions and lessen my anxiety.

I can write about this now, but it has taken courage to acknowledge, even to myself, such burdensome feelings!  By the way, I'm still breastfeeding and Aksel's smiling big!

Mommy Jekyl and Ms. Hyde.

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