Decorations, Bright Lights, Balloons.

Oftentimes, I feel very alone. Autism has changed me. Or really, to be fair, motherhood has changed me.

I think I used to be more social. And fun was something I easily had. Not so much anymore.

Now, I look forward to celebrations like Halloween or Christmas or birthday parties. Situations where there's an aesthetic. Decorations, bright colors, balloons... those things bring me immediate joy.

But it doesn't last. Trees come down, birthdays pass, balloons pop...

In some ways the rigors of autism, by that I mean the daily intensive ABA/therapy sessions in my home, the behaviors that make social outings difficult (ie sensory issues), my fear that lives constantly at the surface of every situation (because of said sensory issues and behaviors I can't control), the anxiety that exists each waking minute... these factors have (I think) permanently affected me.

For instance, Aksel kicks and screams a lot. And usually, his brother is the target of his aggression. So aside from physically having to safeguard Alistair at all times, I worry constantly about his emotional wellbeing and development. Not to mention, I feel a lot of guilt for Alistair. I worry that I'm not giving him enough. At the end of each long day, I feel so depleted, tired, and confused.

I mean, it's great having a dedicated team of therapists (almost ten to be exact) who love Aksel, and our family too, but it's truly overwhelming as a mother (as a TYPE A mother) when each one gives homework. Things for us to continually work on.

The (never-ending) list depresses me...

But these feelings aside, at the start of a new year, I'd really like to work on addressing these issues and feelings.

Because I need a little fun in my life.

Thank you for reading, and Happy New Year!

Even When I've Only Got Brown

(I originally wrote this post a year or so ago, but never published it. The struggle is still relevant though.)

Do you ever feel like you're losing yourself?  That your spirit, or say joie de vivre is starting to slip away?  Like maybe you're... seeping, blending, blurring into the foreground of your life's messy painting?

Phew... glad I got that out!

If you answered yes to this question, then let me tell you, you are not alone.  I've been there, too.

Unable to smile, laugh, socialize.  In my case, think about anything but autism.  And how, better yet, I can't control it.

No. Matter. What. I. Do.

I suppose you could say we all lose ourselves a little when motherhood and wifedom come to pass.  We sacrifice, because it comes natural.  Because there's no other choice we'd rather make.  But where does the line of sacrifice become unhealthy? 

Because that's where it lives sometimes for me... 

In a dark place of imbalance.

But you know what?  I want more light.  And brightness.  Even when I've only got brown.  So, I'm pushing myself to see things different.  To be, as corny as it might read, the best person I can. 

The best mother to the quietest boy.

And I just want you all to know that your sweet notes and kind words, if I haven't already said it, or responded personally, mean so much to me.  They really do!  For so long now, I've been holed up.  Alone in my head, grieving for my child.  For again, what I can't control.  But such is life... and I want joy!  So, thank you!

Living Life in 3D

I admit, I've been...[in a rut]...lately.

Really since Aksel's diagnosis, this past summer.

But it's time now for me to move forward and accept the challenge that is autism, to take active control of my health, both my physical and mental wellbeing, because life isn't easy under the best of circumstances.  And I want, in particular, to feel clear-minded, not weighted down with negativity or sadness.  I need to be confident ~ that much stronger for my child and his developmental differences. 

So, I choose to no longer feel:

Depressed.  Defeated.  Despondent.

I guess you could say I've been living life in 3D.  Which, as it turns out, is not all it's cracked up to be.  So, don't believe the hype!

(Or pay $16 for a ticket!)

But really, I'm making positive changes.

For my child.

Because I love him more than anything!  And, I want always to be his strongest advocate. 

Who knows, moving forward, he may need someone to speak for him, if he can not?

About 25% of people with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) could be considered nonverbal... 

And I want, unquestionably, to be that person, to be prepared to accept and face the challenges, however they unfold?

For my husband.

Because he's my partner, I love him, and we're going through this journey together.  It's not any easier pretending I'm alright. 

I want to be strong for him, too.  Truly strong.

And lastly, I'm making changes for myself...

Because, it's not selfish to want to be happy in my own skin, to no longer feel anxious or overwhelmed.

But with all this talk of change and resolution, I don't personally want, at this point in the process, to take a pill to solve my problems. And that's not saying I'm against medicinally treating my symptoms of depression or anxiety.  In fact, I took Lexapro for nearly a year after giving birth to Aksel.  But in some strange way, this circumstance, autism, translates differently in my mind to that of postpartum depression.  For instance, it's never going away.  My child will always be autistic, and I'll always be, as his parent, striving to cope with the effects.  So, I can't, or don't want, rather, to seek out a temporary fix for a lifelong challenge.  Instead, I want to delve deep and truly find my inner strength.

Organically.

Naturally.

So I'm choosing, at this stage in the game, exercise as an outlet to alleviate my stress, to help me better understand my emotions.

That, coupled with a healthy dose of writing, and a more concerted effort at communication (with my husband) should help to brighten my outlook.  (It has in past weeks.)  If though, I observe no real change of mood in say three months time, I will contact my doctor for alternative options.

I realize it's okay to feel weak.  I just don't want it, the negativity, to be all-consuming anymore.

I want to embrace the positive.  For example, Aksel now hugs!

PS - Many thanks for all of your reassuring, sweet comments. They've really helped in past weeks!  Much love to you and yours ~ XO!

A Pool of Positive

If I don't write, I feel like my head'll explode.  And I've felt this way since I was a young girl.

Like I needed to purge my thoughts.  My descriptions of interesting places, and the people therein.   My observations about life.

And when I say purge, I mean often.  (Write often, that is.)

For example, during my college years, I always carried paper and a pen in my purse, because I had to write.  To be more specific, a spiral-bound journal (adorned with relevant time-period clippings), a reliable felt-tip pen (preferably in black), and Wite-Out (because I was particular, go figure, about my penmanship).

From time to time, I even had a voice recorder on hand.

But to my point, I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I'm struggling to organize my thoughts, my heavy writer's mind.

And with everything going on, my mother's recent health tests (she's undergoing an endoscopic procedure on Monday), Aksel's autism diagnosis, and the in-between stuff like housecleaning, laundry, and dentist appointments, I've been in a serious spin.

Throw in the disability/Tefra/Medicaid application-process and multiple weekly in-home therapy sessions, and I could just cry.

That all said, I know everything I've written recently has been negative (and I'm sorry for it), but it's just where I'm swimming.  I'm treading water in a pool of positive-thinking, very near to the deep end of depression.  And I need to make time to exercise, to take care of myself, because I'm feeling spread thin.

On a positive closing note, Aksel's been making tremendous strides in therapy, and I have much, in the way of good news, to soon share.

As always, thanks for reading.  And, happy Friday!

The Rising Action (or Lack Thereof).

Now that the cat's outta the bag, and I've exposed myself here...

I'll get right to it.  I'll bring it, so to speak, and talk openly about SEX post-marriage, post-baby.  From my very own viewpoint, no less.

                                                                                                             jabberpics

So, here it is... the rising action.  Although, if I'm being frank, there's a whole lotta rising and very little action to speak thereof.

Ya catch my drift?

That's right.  I don't want to have sex!  In fact...

My libido has flatlined, and it has nothing to do with performance or love-n-desire or just about anything you might imagine?!

Really, it's all psychological.  In my mind, I've made sex "dirty," and I don't know if it's long-stemming from my childhood (because I didn't see outward showings of my parents' love for one another), or if it's got to do with all my "silly" self-loathing, my lack of self-worth?

Basically, I don't feel attractive or "sexy," and my confidence is shot. But, my husband doesn't mind if I'm soft 'round the middle!

So, I kindly ask:

• WHY all the sex hang-ups?

Go figure, my only conclusion is FEAR.

Honestly, I'm afraid to let the control go.  I'm terrified of living up to the now-you're-married-so-you-don't-have-sex cliché.  I'm even more scared of growing old and growing unattractive in my husband's eye.

But it's IRONIC, because...

To be continued...

A Blog Exposition.

I decided I would open a can o' worms today.

So, it's best I clearly state my intentions and start at the beginning.

WARNING:

1. Don't get your hopes up too high, and please...
2. Bear with me in my moments of indecisive, "should-I-really-go-there" prose, because it could get hairy!

Oh, and...

Dear Dad,

If you are in fact reading this, you may want to consider accomplishing another computer task... I know you have one! For instance, you could bank online, enjoy a few carefree google searches, or "poke" your closest facebook chums. 

Better yet, Pops, get on those taxes.  Uncle Sam is a' callin'.

Love,  

Gillian 

Now, where was I?  Oh, that's right... the BEGINNING.

Before I delve in (and name my initial topic, which in turn opened one said "can o' worms" ), I must first share a few facts about myself, so as to better relate.  Let's call it my blog exposition.

                                                                     jabberpics

I am...

• A child of DIVORCE.
• Struggling to understand the institution of marriage, intimacy (without sex), and healthy communication, etc.
• Grappling with the societal expectations of being a mother, and how that can unfairly redefine one's sexuality.
• AFRAID OF VULNERABILITY!

With that all said and done, I want to talk about SEX...

Namely, sexuality post-marriage, post-baby.

Or, in my circumstance, post-baby then post-marriage.  HA!

Photos by Jabberpics

And I'm not afraid or embarrassed... anymore.  Honesty, regardless of its ensuing criticism or unflattering opinions, is our greatest asset.  In the end, it's all we have (aside from our stories).

So...

Stay-tuned for the rising action of this momma's G-RATED sex story.

Bumps, Bangs, and Bruises...

The beauty of this thing called parenthood, becomes more clear each day.  At nearly 16 months, my little one sure keeps me laughing.

But, it's not just the good kind.  Mischievous to say the least, Aksel has me chuckling in fear.

For instance, I've recently observed this new "look" on Aksel's face, and I shutter to think of what's in store?  Don't get me wrong, it's darling... the look.  It's just daring, brazen, and curious, too.

It's like I tucked my BABY in one night (last week), and he awoke a BOY the next day.  And, it's been bumps, bangs, and bruises since...

As a side note, I'm thinking Aksel might take after his flying-squirrel-for-an-aunt, Bridgette, who carefully scaled and then jumped dangerously off each furniture item in my childhood home.  Oh boy!

Nonetheless, there's a great place in this world for carefree spirits. Undaunted ones, too.  I just hope this TYPE A momma can cope...

I'll keep you posted though. In the meantime, have a great weekend!

Check out my soon-ending GIVEAWAYS and enter now.

Laughin' the Day Away.

I'm a "TYPE A" momma, plain and simple. 

What can I say?  The details interest me, and because I care so much, oftentimes I'm misunderstood as controlling and uptight. 

Rather, as being only controlling and uptight. 

But...

I care about the laughter, too!  And, I love this quote:

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~ E.E. Cummings




Mommas:  What makes you SMILE?

When It's All You've Ever Wanted.

As something of a follow-up to this morning's indulgent post...

I know how difficult it is to be a good wife and mother.  Especially, when it's all you've ever wanted.  But what I'm learning, is that I need to cut myself a little slack and breathe.  It's all okay, and I'm actually a better everything when I'm vulnerable and feeling.  DING DING!

So, here's where the barking stops.

My child is healthy.  My husband is supportive and loving.  I am fortunate on so many levels, for so many things...

So strangely, what I mean to say, is that I respect my mother even more for her incapability.  Yes, parts of me want to blame her for my feelings of ineptitude, for my insecurities, but it isn't her fault.  She just didn't have the coping skills to be for everyone else.

And what I need to learn, is that I'm not her.  My problems aren't hers, and vice versa.  I make a conscious decision each day to be either happy or not, and control is a cop out.

Myself, on the other hand, I will not fail at communicating, loving, or most important, knowing myself through and through. 

THREE CHEERS for vulnerability!  Now, let the real fun start.

What are your emotional setbacks?  I'd love to know...



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The Personification of Control.

I'm going to cut to the emotional chase. I've been in something of a funk recently, and I need to forge my way out...

Plain and simple, I need to get in shape!

I feel overwhelmed though. 

I realize this post has the makings of an "are you or someone you know suffering from depression" commercial, but somewhere along the line, I've stepped out of my body, and I can't seem to get back in.  It's embarrassing to admit, too.

I realize I'm not the first mother or wife or dreamer to struggle.  I know I need to lose ten pounds, but it's more than just that.  It's a serious bully named control I battle most with, because...

When it's quiet, I don't feel adequate.

I never have, either.

So, what I'm saying, is that the weight isn't the real issue at hand.  It's control and his manipulative sidekick, self-esteem.

In my head, because I'm not perfect, or 135 pounds, I don't deserve love.  And I ask, where did this warped mindset come from? 

Often in my life, I've been criticized for not being open, for being afraid of vulnerability.  Out of circumstance, I argue I was conditioned to be strong, to save face, to control my feelings.

If you're a new follower, you must know, my mother left when I was a young teenager.  At the time, my sister was six, and my brother, ten months.  Her breakdown, and breakaway, broke our hearts, and I've always been afraid.  So, I turned to control.

Afraid of hurt, that is.  Feeling it, and more important, causing it.

Also, afraid of just plain ol' not being good enough.

Point of all this rambling though, I'm struggling to accept an ally named unconditional. 

Love, that is.

I'm wary of believing in him, unconditional, and I'm suspect to think he'll leave.  So, I struggle.  I control, too.

But lately, I can't seem to control anything?!  And I'm confused?

My weight, no less.  Blah... blah... blah...

It's just high time I get to the source of my emotional setbacks.  Now that I've personified control, I need to banish bad thoughts and dispel negative energy.  Basically, I need to learn to love myself, and I think it will all be better after a long walk with baby.



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My Love's Capability?

Over the last four years,  Mark and I have lived spontaneously with responsiblity too.  We have managed, as young business owners, to balance the many challenges of a successful restaurant and prosper in a climate of economic distress.  We have learned only through experience, how best to deal with our stressors and frustration.  I can't say we're perfect, or that we've handled every situation appropriately, but I feel confident we've grown as a couple and our perspective on life and business has evolved for the better.

With this all having been said, parenthood is something new altogether.  It's a challenge we'll both have to assess and take slowly. 

I have loved, and will miss the instances when Mark has looked at me and said, "Let's go to Mexico today.  Let's pack a carry-on and leave this afternoon!"  With a tinge of sadness, I know that I will reminisce occasionally and recall memories of our carefree life before baby, but I'm ready for a change. I'm curious actually?!  What most intrigues me about motherhood at this current moment, is my potential for love and selflessness.  I can wholeheartedly acknowledge that I've led a selfish existence until I learned of my pregnancy.  I hope to grow in my current relationships... I believe I haven't an idea of my love's capability quite yet. I can't begin to understand the magnitude of what I'll feel for little man, Aksel. At the same time, I don't want to contrive the experience. Honesty and truth in the moment, is what I want most.

It's coming soon...

Postdated today, but written prior to the baby's arrival and the New Year 2010!