Decorations, Bright Lights, Balloons.

Oftentimes, I feel very alone. Autism has changed me. Or really, to be fair, motherhood has changed me.

I think I used to be more social. And fun was something I easily had. Not so much anymore.

Now, I look forward to celebrations like Halloween or Christmas or birthday parties. Situations where there's an aesthetic. Decorations, bright colors, balloons... those things bring me immediate joy.

But it doesn't last. Trees come down, birthdays pass, balloons pop...

In some ways the rigors of autism, by that I mean the daily intensive ABA/therapy sessions in my home, the behaviors that make social outings difficult (ie sensory issues), my fear that lives constantly at the surface of every situation (because of said sensory issues and behaviors I can't control), the anxiety that exists each waking minute... these factors have (I think) permanently affected me.

For instance, Aksel kicks and screams a lot. And usually, his brother is the target of his aggression. So aside from physically having to safeguard Alistair at all times, I worry constantly about his emotional wellbeing and development. Not to mention, I feel a lot of guilt for Alistair. I worry that I'm not giving him enough. At the end of each long day, I feel so depleted, tired, and confused.

I mean, it's great having a dedicated team of therapists (almost ten to be exact) who love Aksel, and our family too, but it's truly overwhelming as a mother (as a TYPE A mother) when each one gives homework. Things for us to continually work on.

The (never-ending) list depresses me...

But these feelings aside, at the start of a new year, I'd really like to work on addressing these issues and feelings.

Because I need a little fun in my life.

Thank you for reading, and Happy New Year!