Even When I've Only Got Brown

(I originally wrote this post a year or so ago, but never published it. The struggle is still relevant though.)

Do you ever feel like you're losing yourself?  That your spirit, or say joie de vivre is starting to slip away?  Like maybe you're... seeping, blending, blurring into the foreground of your life's messy painting?

Phew... glad I got that out!

If you answered yes to this question, then let me tell you, you are not alone.  I've been there, too.

Unable to smile, laugh, socialize.  In my case, think about anything but autism.  And how, better yet, I can't control it.

No. Matter. What. I. Do.

I suppose you could say we all lose ourselves a little when motherhood and wifedom come to pass.  We sacrifice, because it comes natural.  Because there's no other choice we'd rather make.  But where does the line of sacrifice become unhealthy? 

Because that's where it lives sometimes for me... 

In a dark place of imbalance.

But you know what?  I want more light.  And brightness.  Even when I've only got brown.  So, I'm pushing myself to see things different.  To be, as corny as it might read, the best person I can. 

The best mother to the quietest boy.

And I just want you all to know that your sweet notes and kind words, if I haven't already said it, or responded personally, mean so much to me.  They really do!  For so long now, I've been holed up.  Alone in my head, grieving for my child.  For again, what I can't control.  But such is life... and I want joy!  So, thank you!