I'm going to cut to the emotional chase. I've been in something of a funk recently, and I need to forge my way out...
Plain and simple, I need to get in shape!
I feel overwhelmed though.
I realize this post has the makings of an "are you or someone you know suffering from depression" commercial, but somewhere along the line, I've stepped out of my body, and I can't seem to get back in. It's embarrassing to admit, too.
I realize I'm not the first mother or wife or dreamer to struggle. I know I need to lose ten pounds, but it's more than just that. It's a serious bully named control I battle most with, because...
When it's quiet, I don't feel adequate.
I never have, either.
So, what I'm saying, is that the weight isn't the real issue at hand. It's control and his manipulative sidekick, self-esteem.
In my head, because I'm not perfect, or 135 pounds, I don't deserve love. And I ask, where did this warped mindset come from?
Often in my life, I've been criticized for not being open, for being afraid of vulnerability. Out of circumstance, I argue I was conditioned to be strong, to save face, to control my feelings.
If you're a new follower, you must know, my mother left when I was a young teenager. At the time, my sister was six, and my brother, ten months. Her breakdown, and breakaway, broke our hearts, and I've always been afraid. So, I turned to control.
Afraid of hurt, that is. Feeling it, and more important, causing it.
Also, afraid of just plain ol' not being good enough.
Point of all this rambling though, I'm struggling to accept an ally named unconditional.
Love, that is.
I'm wary of believing in him, unconditional, and I'm suspect to think he'll leave. So, I struggle. I control, too.
But lately, I can't seem to control anything?! And I'm confused?
My weight, no less. Blah... blah... blah...
It's just high time I get to the source of my emotional setbacks. Now that I've personified control, I need to banish bad thoughts and dispel negative energy. Basically, I need to learn to love myself, and I think it will all be better after a long walk with baby.
If you feel like it, vote!
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I think you are pretty and special. That makes you pretty special. Let the past bury the past. Live one day at a time. Hope you read the book I recommended. Lots of answers in there.
ReplyDeleteHello Mr. Anonymous! First of all, thanks for the sweet comment. It's also nice to know you you're still around (because I know who this is)! I sincerely hope you're doing well, and NO I haven't read the book. It's on the list and in my inbox still. All the best -- XO!
ReplyDeleteGillian I identify SO much with things that you write about and it's nice to know that I am not alone. I always love the way that you can express it! :)
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