War and Peace on Brody Avenue.

I took some time to think long, and even longer still, about my communication tendencies.  Basically, I am weak in all departments. 

• Anger is a problem, yes. 
• Defenses are on point, always.  
• Timing is right, never. 
• Tone?  Don't get me started.

Today is a new day, so I won't mercilessly beat myself up.  I realize it's going to take both time and patience to change -- to answer all the questions I have posed.  This afternoon, however, instinct leads me to fear, and with respect to that impulse, I'll start just there.

I'll come clean and confess...

In life, I am most afraid of failing my child, and my partner, inflicting serious, irreversible hurt.

So, I endeavor to get to the bottom of the fear.  To let the hurt out... finally.

I realize to successfully accomplish this goal, I must better understand my communication behavior.  I must also acknowledge the pain I have felt, and suppressed, for years & years.  It's not going to be pretty, but I'm up for the challenge!  In my life, there's no time like the present.  With that being said, I look to explicitly address my issues, my hang-ups, and my hold-me-backs in life.

We all have 'em, right?  As I've said before, knowing is half the battle.

I assume many of you are curious as to why I'm writing about this?  If so, dear Reader, rest assured, for I have my reasons.  I'll name a few.

"I choose to address my communication shortcomings because..."

1. I am a child of divorced parents, and I don't ever want to quit on my partner.  With each new hardship, I seek to grow in my adult relationship.  (I'm not saying it will be easy!)
2. I have deep abandonment issues stemming from my Mother's exit from our family home at age thirteen, and I don't desire to foster my insecurities any longer!  It's crucial I trust in my partner, and in myself, more important.
3. I have younger siblings who look to me for advice, wisdom, and know-how.  For them, I hope to embody strength through vulnerability.  (It's not a weakness to cry, or to forgive!)
4. I am a mother now, and I strive to be a living example of love & stability for Aksel.  To achieve this, I must learn, teach, and believe in the merits of love without conditions.
5. There's a first time for everything.

At this point, I must say, in writing, that it is not my objective to hurt anyone!  I don't look to bash, or point fingers at my parents for their mistakes, rather I seek to learn from their troubles.  I must be honest though!  I am trying to come to terms with motherhood.

From the above list, one can infer that I was truly, truly hurt by my parent's divorce.  (As a side note, I proudly grew up in a single-parent, DADDY household!)  My Mother's indiscretions and subsequent departure, are the great traumata of my life, to date.  And, the psychological wounds have not yet healed, some fifteen years after my parent's separation.

I fear hurting my loved ones, because I know, intimately, how it feels to be rejected! 

In my mind, however, my parents had a failure to communicate.  I love them all the same, mistakes and all, and really, I'm strangely thankful for the hurt.

I am who I am, because I've seen what I've seen.  Simply put.

On that note, I'll conclude my thoughts for the day.  Otherwise, you'd have a novel on your hands, War & Peace On Brody Avenue.

More to come on communication...