Divine Universe, Tell Me I'm Not Alone.

There's a lot running through my head tonight.  I'm at work, which is exciting and... guilt-provoking too.  I don't believe I can remember being so happy to work, but on the internal flip side, I know my men are stumbling through the joyful kinks of familyhood without me, and I'm experiencing a touch of sadness. That might be a selfish statement.  I know I can't have all of the moments.  I actually know, I don't want all of the moments, but there's something inside that innately hurts!

So much of that last blurb is of wish and wosh, because I am truly looking forward to the social aspect of tonight's work.  By nature, I am a homebody.  I have often made excuses to not leave my safe abode, to not live it up with friends, favoring instead, a quiet night in with my closest love.  Being a mother has given new spark to these social scenarios...  I'm eager to share stories and conversely listen.  I now want simple invitations to politely respond to.  I believe and enjoy more, time and talks with family.  Whereas before, I needed something grand and large to spark my mental interest!  I fixated to the not-your-everyday, impractical events that happen perhaps once a year, or luckily, once in a lifetime.  I missed out on a lot!  I have a new perspective on and a new mission to be a better, more fulfilled person.

The next thought I look to word appropriately, is one I'm struggling with.  I don't know how best to describe my feelings on the matter, I just know things are changing and I'm grappling to adapt.  Divine Universe, tell me I'm not alone.  Change is difficult for most everyone.  It's inevitable, I know... but all the same, I'm worried about my relationship with Mark.  Parenthood is unforgiving in regard to its demands and harsh sacrifices.  Little did we have time to coo and savor the newness before we were strapped in and galloping forward, fast.  Screams in the night.  Wails in the morning.  Poop on your clothes.  Needless to say, I worry about his happiness, and my happiness, and our happiness... yet, more importantly, my child, and his non-negotiable needs for happiness.  I want, despite the difficulty and depletion of energy, to keep things true.  It's not an issue of our love's validity, or jealousy, or anything insipid like that, it's my insecurity alone or perhaps, hormones!

I'm told Aksel will be smiling soon.  I can barely wait!  It's a simple something that I look forward to immensely.

By the way,  I commend and totally respect single parents!  The hardest job ever...