Lonely Nights Behind Bars.

The point I make now, has been established in past entries, but it's well worth repeating -- parenting is HARD!  I chuckle to think how it will change?  I'm certain there are those of you readers out there now, rolling your eyes, laughing at my naivete?  I know.  It's okay.  I mean, really?  I'm two months in, and Aksel has yet to even roll over.  He has no teeth.  He isn't speaking.  He doesn't walk, or eat solid foods for that matter!  How will I feel about parenting and its difficulty, when he catches on, and comprehends that I'm a novice, a newbie, a totally-whipped mommy pushover?  I LOVE my boy... more each day, in fact! 

So, like I said before, it's hard!  To date, however, the issue I've most struggled with is sleep training.

The question isn't whether or not I'm going to sleep train.  The questions are, when and how?  When will I knowingly admit that Aksel is strong enough to "cry it out" and self-soothe?  And, how will I muster the strength to let him go, to nearly rip him from my warm embrace?  I could really cry to think about it!  I am seriously conflicted...

I've read countless articles on the matter, and I have asked numerous individuals for their opinion on the subject, yet every which one seems to contradict the other.  "Whatever works for you.  Each child is different.  Start as you plan to go."  So basically, I'm left to think it's a matter of instinct, of some divine maternal know-how. 

Here is what I know...

I know that I love my child, and as the saying goes, I want the very best for him.  I know that he will be small for just a short, short time. I know that if I am not resolute, I will confuse him greatly.  I know it will be more difficult the longer I wait, but... I also know in nature, a cub is not separated from its mother! 

(I failed to mention the negative effects co-sleeping could potentially have on my adult relationship.  I know this too, Mark!)

Prior to giving birth, I was skeptical about the whole mother/child bonding bit.  To start, I knew Aksel would know my voice, and my smell.  I knew, theoretically, I would love him more than I'd ever loved anything before, but what I didn't know or expect, was when and how it would manifest itself?  Here we go again with the when and how!

Every person is different.  Situations vary.  But, my child was born with his eyes wide open, and he knew and needed only me.  The bond was instantaneous!  In saying that, it was not as strong as it is today, but it was certainly there.  The love, the primal need for one another, was palpable the very second my doctor slung him on my chest.

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Gillian

(the words catching

 in her throat)

Phew! Life is amazing! I think I need a minute.

She brings her hand to her head, takes a deep, centering breath. 

Gillian

                 (continuing)

Where was I?  Oh, the dreaded sleep training!

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What courage I will need to bravely assume, to listen to his pleading cries!  While instinctively, I would much rather swoop him up, place his slight body in the gentle bend of my left arm, and wrap my loving warmth around him.  To softly tousle his hair, and faintly tickle his temples, something close to what I remember my mother doing when I was a young thing.  To sleep face-to-face, nose-touching-nose, breath-on-breath as the morning hours pass.  It doesn't feel wrong.  On the contrary, it feels natural...

So, the idea of exiling him to his far-off nursery, sentencing him to lonely nights behind bars, is excruciating, but I look to let him go soon.  I shall release my little arrow forth.  I just need a week, or two, more.

Aksel:  13 pounds, 5 ounces & 25 inches

      

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And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

          -- Kahlil Gibran

              The Prophet

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