Picnics on Aisle Three

To start, this post is written out of love and compassion - something even I, as the parent of a special-needs child, have had to learn over the years. Because believe me, I've put my foot in my mouth and regretted certain actions I've taken in the past. And no matter how hard I try, no person, or parent for that matter, is perfect. This, I know to be true. And, I'm sorry!

Moving on to the point of this post... parent-shaming. Or in other words, adult bullying.

I'm writing this post in response to a photo I saw on Facebook recently, of two parents in public with leashes on their children. A picture taken discreetly by a former special education teacher, of a family, that we, as a community of critics, knew nothing about - a picture that was swiftly removed with comments ranging from confusion, anger, and acceptance, to just plain ignorance. My heart hurt (and my blood boiled, I won't lie) for the family, for the "problematic parents" as they were called.

I can sympathize with this mother and father, because I undoubtedly get "parent-shamed" when I'm in public with my family. Or rather, when I'm "out" with my children. In fact, probably more times than I would like, or even care to know? Points of possible criticism: why does that mother "demand" to hold her son's hand so tightly, why can't that mother "quiet" her child who's chirping like a bird on the floor of the grocery store, why can't that mother "keep" shoes on her child's feet, why can't that mother just "relax" and chill out? (The list goes on, I know.) And my response would be...

Because I do hear your questions, spoken or not (they're in my head, too), and I also see your stares (even when my eyes are fixed and I'm not looking), oh, and funny enough, I only wish for harmony and ease - just like you...

PLEASE DON'T JUDGE!

Don't speculate, gawk, or let hurtful comments slip. And don't, just please don't, take pictures! Instead, offer to help - if you can? Or, just keep moving, go about your day. Walk away thankful your circumstance is better, and try for just a moment, if you're still perplexed, to be empathetic.

Because as worn out as the phrase may be, it does hold strong - walk a day in another man's shoes.

In closing, I realize the person who posted this picture was not trying to be overtly malicious. It was a hasty decision borne of confusion, that as she said, "opened a can of worms." To take it a step further, I appreciate her choice to both help and teach children with special-needs, but even though she "gets it 100%" and understands the long list of adverse behaviors associated with autism, in particular, she doesn't live with it, day in and out.

And while I have the utmost admiration for those individuals that devote their professional lives to the cause of betterment - teachers, therapists, doctors - the parents, oftentimes, don't have the same technical wherewithal to prosper in stressful situations. More often than not, we have to lead with the heart alone, and sometimes, as "disrespectful and demoralizing" as it may appear, there are leashes involved - or in our case, random picnics on aisle three.

I hope to open one person's eyes, or give strength to one family struggling... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Positive School Climate, FAIL!

Over the last eight years, like so many people around the world, I've shared details of my life via social media: the joys and struggles, the victories and frustration, the fear and grief. Today, I post yet again, but begin by saying, "PLEASE!"

PLEASE READ THIS POST, AND SHARE IT!

As many of you know, a lot of my posts center around my children. In particular, my love and worry for Aksel, my seven-year-old son, who is autistic.

So, when a friend shared this photo (with me in private recently, asking for help) of her twelve-year-old son's back - a child who lives with autism in Charleston, SC - a kid, like yours or mine, who attends (an at-this-point unnamed) middle school within the Charleston County School District (CCSD) - I felt compelled to write, to share their story. (With her permission, of course.)

Because BULLYING is unacceptable, and the indifference (shown by school officials), justifying his cruel treatment, needs to end now! Full stop!

The boy pictured, who for the sake of privacy shall remain anonymous, was attacked at school on Friday (May 26, 2017) afternoon by a group of nine peers. They pushed him down, hit him repeatedly, and called him an "autistic retard."

In an effort to defend himself, the child attempted to push the ringleader off of him. He, the child pictured, was then "caught" by a superior and sent to the principal's office.

There, the child pleaded his case to no avail, and was sent back to his classroom. At no point, was his mother notified?! Yet, the child is regularly made to call his mother when he "speaks out of turn," which according to CCSD discipline standards is an infraction. Physical assault and bullying, on the other hand, are considered Level 3 offenses, worthy of expulsion. But still, no contact was made, and sadly the offenders were left unpunished. (Note, the child's mother only discovered the injuries a full day later, when they went to the beach.)

Now might I add, this isn't an isolated incident!

The child's mother has, on three separate occasions, over the course of the last three months, reached out to administrators to report offenses - of which include, similar physical mistreatment and name-calling.

Crickets...

And really, she's not asking for much. Nothing you, or I, wouldn't demand for our children. She just wants her son "to be able to go to school without being bullied." And furthermore, she wants him "to be taken seriously when he brings concerns to administration."

So I implore you, as a community of parents, grandparents, and professionals, to take a long look at this photo, and think.

Then, to take it one step further, I beg you to imagine...

Imagine how YOU would feel if this was YOUR child - a boy, scared to go to school, let down by a system that won't, or at least hasn't yet, protected him from harm and ridicule?

I won't, while I have breath in my body, let my child fall prey to this type of injustice. And she shouldn't have to either!

That said, there needs to be a change in our society, a fundamental re-teaching of kindness. And it starts at home!

With regard to the Charleston County School District, in the handling of this particular matter, your "test" score needs improvement. "Positive school climate," FAIL!

(I will keep you updated as this story develops. As of now, the mother has filed a police report, and has called for an emergency review of his IEP. The child will also not attend school until the issue is positively dealt with.)

Kindness is the Best!

Nearly six years ago, I wrote:

I'm still coming to terms with all of it.

All of it being autism. And if I'm being honest, I'm afraid. I'm scared of the forever of this disorder. 

I get anxious when I let myself worry about Aksel's future. When I ask will he questions. Like:

Will he assimilate?

Will he have friends?

Will he attend normal kindergarten classes?

Now fast forward to present day, and here's my "memory" from a year ago - Aksel in kindergarten with a friend!

Moral of this post, goals are great, hard work is hard, but kindness is the best!

This photo, to me, is everything that anyone's journey should be about... understanding, acceptance, and love!

I wouldn't change a thing...

Support, Love, and Baby Cuddles

Let me preface this post by saying, I couldn't do it without my husband. Any of it! He's patient, hands-on, and always willing to accept a challenge. That said...

When my second son, Alistair, was born (in July of 2013), like any mother transitioning from one child to two, I felt anxiety - to make certain my boys both got the love they needed, to establish a healthy new routine, and in our particular circumstance, to minimize the effects of and safeguard Aksel from the many changes taking place.

Change for most children causes stress, but for a child on the autism spectrum, it can be devastating. And at three-and-a-half years old, on the brink of a language breakthrough (Aksel was just starting to talk), I was so worried he'd regress. I was scared he'd retreat back into his own, quiet little world.

Oh, and did I mention that I probably over-coddled Aksel? In natural response, of course, to both my grief and guilt (because I was still in the phase of thinking I had caused Aksel's autism, or that there was something I could have done differently to prevent his diagnosis). So, to say that Aksel was, at the time of Alistair's birth, a momma's boy, would have been a true understatement!

There's no questioning the fact though, a newborn needs their mother to survive. And I needed to get to know him, too.

So, for two lovely weeks (albeit torn), we were in isolation, Alistair and I, gently getting to know one another. All the while, my husband, Mark, fielded the outbursts of change, making certain to both delicately reassure and comfort, Aksel. But as fate would have it, due to a protein allergy, I was unable to successfully nurse Alistair. And I guess you could say, as bad as it might sound, that it lessened the pressure I felt to be a perfect mother - to two very different boys. I could now divide my time.

Point of it all, during this tricky time of transition (in other words, hormonal imbalance, failed-attempts, and lessons learned), my husband was ever-constant in his support, love, and baby cuddles. And for all my worry about regression, it was minimal, at best. I can never thank him enough!

Decorations, Bright Lights, Balloons.

Oftentimes, I feel very alone. Autism has changed me. Or really, to be fair, motherhood has changed me.

I think I used to be more social. And fun was something I easily had. Not so much anymore.

Now, I look forward to celebrations like Halloween or Christmas or birthday parties. Situations where there's an aesthetic. Decorations, bright colors, balloons... those things bring me immediate joy.

But it doesn't last. Trees come down, birthdays pass, balloons pop...

In some ways the rigors of autism, by that I mean the daily intensive ABA/therapy sessions in my home, the behaviors that make social outings difficult (ie sensory issues), my fear that lives constantly at the surface of every situation (because of said sensory issues and behaviors I can't control), the anxiety that exists each waking minute... these factors have (I think) permanently affected me.

For instance, Aksel kicks and screams a lot. And usually, his brother is the target of his aggression. So aside from physically having to safeguard Alistair at all times, I worry constantly about his emotional wellbeing and development. Not to mention, I feel a lot of guilt for Alistair. I worry that I'm not giving him enough. At the end of each long day, I feel so depleted, tired, and confused.

I mean, it's great having a dedicated team of therapists (almost ten to be exact) who love Aksel, and our family too, but it's truly overwhelming as a mother (as a TYPE A mother) when each one gives homework. Things for us to continually work on.

The (never-ending) list depresses me...

But these feelings aside, at the start of a new year, I'd really like to work on addressing these issues and feelings.

Because I need a little fun in my life.

Thank you for reading, and Happy New Year!

Even When I've Only Got Brown

(I originally wrote this post a year or so ago, but never published it. The struggle is still relevant though.)

Do you ever feel like you're losing yourself?  That your spirit, or say joie de vivre is starting to slip away?  Like maybe you're... seeping, blending, blurring into the foreground of your life's messy painting?

Phew... glad I got that out!

If you answered yes to this question, then let me tell you, you are not alone.  I've been there, too.

Unable to smile, laugh, socialize.  In my case, think about anything but autism.  And how, better yet, I can't control it.

No. Matter. What. I. Do.

I suppose you could say we all lose ourselves a little when motherhood and wifedom come to pass.  We sacrifice, because it comes natural.  Because there's no other choice we'd rather make.  But where does the line of sacrifice become unhealthy? 

Because that's where it lives sometimes for me... 

In a dark place of imbalance.

But you know what?  I want more light.  And brightness.  Even when I've only got brown.  So, I'm pushing myself to see things different.  To be, as corny as it might read, the best person I can. 

The best mother to the quietest boy.

And I just want you all to know that your sweet notes and kind words, if I haven't already said it, or responded personally, mean so much to me.  They really do!  For so long now, I've been holed up.  Alone in my head, grieving for my child.  For again, what I can't control.  But such is life... and I want joy!  So, thank you!

A Reintroduction

Hello, friends!

It's been years since I posted anything. I guess you could say I've been deep in the throws of motherhood. In fact, since my last post, I've actually had another sweet little boy. His name is Alistair. He's 18-months-old, and delightful!

And Aksel, my deep special boy, is now five. (Wow, right?) And guess what, folks, he's talking! In fact, after three years of intense therapy, he's thriving. But it hasn't been without heartache and tears. And lots of sweat, too. Autism is no joke.

Anyhow, I'm back. I need to write. For the moment, however, it's just a "hello." A simple post to reintroduce myself. My forthcoming intentions aren't yet clear, I just need an honest place to get it all out.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you've all had a happy holiday season!

Gillian.xo

For Better, For Worse, Forever.

I've wanted to write for such a long, long time... but I haven't known what to say, or where to start?  There's so much in my life, and self, that's changed in the last year.  For better, for worse, forever.

For instance, I started to write last week.  Here's what I got:

It's said, on average, that the typical male thinks about sex every seven seconds.  Well, like the masses, the male mass that is, I think in seven second increments, too.  Only thing, I'm a woman.  And, I think about autism.  (Which speaking frank, is not a turn-on.)

For instance, every seven seconds or so I wonder if my child will speak? If he'll develop functioning language, and say simple things like:

Hello. Goodbye. Mommy.

To bring you up to speed, dear reader, it's been about a year since my child's autism diagnosis.  And I must say, that at any given point, on any given day, his disability is never far from the surface of my thoughts.  And it's heartbreaking, autism.

For one, my child doesn't look impaired.  You wouldn't know at first, second, or even third glance, that behind his bright eyes, there's a little boy desperate to communicate.  Unable to communicate.

But I try to stay positive, to be proactive.  Full stop.

Now that's pretty heavy, right?

And that's what's constant churning in my head. Baby talk. And babble. Or frankly, the sad, silent lack thereof.

But my child waved on Tuesday. And there's much to be said about the person I'm becoming. A woman who by all accounts has never, until just recently, enjoyed appreciated revered the simple things.

I mean not really, that is. Not truly.

Because I now proudly revere the things I thought I'd always overlook.

Like my child waving, for instance. Talk about joy!

Bright eyes himself.  Aksel, 2 1/2 years.

Tonight was a start, in sharing again. Thank you for reading.

She Whispered, "Write."

I suppose you could say I follow my instincts.  My mother always told me to listen to my inner voice, to trust my intuition.  And I have wholeheartedly since childhood.  Or since I was perceptive enough to understand my inner self.  That I actually had one, that is.

She also told me to "never leave a drink unattended, experiment with ouija boards, or dabble in dungeons and dragons," my mother.

Pretty random, right?

But the point of all this talk leads simply to the fact that my inner voice was telling me I needed to make time for myself, to stop over-analyzing our situation, primarily Aksel's autism, and to take active control of my wellbeing.

Because at Christmas, I was a mess... a sobbing, contemplative mess.

So, I did take control.  Or have, rather.  And resulting, it's been two plus months since I've written one creative word.

Don't misunderstand though, it's not for want, or love of writing, that I stopped, it's just because my person, my inner voice said, "rest."

But today, she whispered, "write."  Out of nowhere.

So, I am.

And I respect her, my inner voice.  Because she's comprised of all the women before me.  (More on this later.)

All said, and two months later, I'm happy again!  Not to mention, 10 pounds lighter.  And my mind, most important, is alive.

Oh, and Aksel's beginning to talk, saying simple words like "apple" and "hat."  Ten weeks ago, I was afraid he never would!

By the way, we love his team of therapists!  They're incredible!

And my marriage, despite the challenges in past months, is stronger than ever... most of the time.

We actually believe that autism is a blessing... now.

I'm just happy to be writing again!

PS - I really appreciate the notes and emails I've received over the last few weeks.  And despite my silence, they've helped so much!  

Living Life in 3D

I admit, I've been...[in a rut]...lately.

Really since Aksel's diagnosis, this past summer.

But it's time now for me to move forward and accept the challenge that is autism, to take active control of my health, both my physical and mental wellbeing, because life isn't easy under the best of circumstances.  And I want, in particular, to feel clear-minded, not weighted down with negativity or sadness.  I need to be confident ~ that much stronger for my child and his developmental differences. 

So, I choose to no longer feel:

Depressed.  Defeated.  Despondent.

I guess you could say I've been living life in 3D.  Which, as it turns out, is not all it's cracked up to be.  So, don't believe the hype!

(Or pay $16 for a ticket!)

But really, I'm making positive changes.

For my child.

Because I love him more than anything!  And, I want always to be his strongest advocate. 

Who knows, moving forward, he may need someone to speak for him, if he can not?

About 25% of people with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) could be considered nonverbal... 

And I want, unquestionably, to be that person, to be prepared to accept and face the challenges, however they unfold?

For my husband.

Because he's my partner, I love him, and we're going through this journey together.  It's not any easier pretending I'm alright. 

I want to be strong for him, too.  Truly strong.

And lastly, I'm making changes for myself...

Because, it's not selfish to want to be happy in my own skin, to no longer feel anxious or overwhelmed.

But with all this talk of change and resolution, I don't personally want, at this point in the process, to take a pill to solve my problems. And that's not saying I'm against medicinally treating my symptoms of depression or anxiety.  In fact, I took Lexapro for nearly a year after giving birth to Aksel.  But in some strange way, this circumstance, autism, translates differently in my mind to that of postpartum depression.  For instance, it's never going away.  My child will always be autistic, and I'll always be, as his parent, striving to cope with the effects.  So, I can't, or don't want, rather, to seek out a temporary fix for a lifelong challenge.  Instead, I want to delve deep and truly find my inner strength.

Organically.

Naturally.

So I'm choosing, at this stage in the game, exercise as an outlet to alleviate my stress, to help me better understand my emotions.

That, coupled with a healthy dose of writing, and a more concerted effort at communication (with my husband) should help to brighten my outlook.  (It has in past weeks.)  If though, I observe no real change of mood in say three months time, I will contact my doctor for alternative options.

I realize it's okay to feel weak.  I just don't want it, the negativity, to be all-consuming anymore.

I want to embrace the positive.  For example, Aksel now hugs!

PS - Many thanks for all of your reassuring, sweet comments. They've really helped in past weeks!  Much love to you and yours ~ XO!

The {Momentary} Victor

Over the last few weeks, blogging's been low on my list of priorities. 

And I could blame my absence on the holidays, for having grandparents in town, or ya da ya da ya...

But, it just wouldn't be the truth.  

And there's really no point in pretending.  At least not here.

I mean, this is my space for truth and expression, for honesty no matter the pain... or humiliation.

So on that note, where do I begin (embarrassing myself)?  

For starters, I'm struggling to find my inner strength.  

I really am. 

It's like autism has me by the collar tight, and I'm fighting to breathe new life, new thoughts and/or ideas.  I just feel so one note...

But nothing means more though.  There's nothing weighing on my mind more great than autism.  (Will there ever be?)  And, I feel alone:  detached from myself, my family and friends, my husband...

Plus, I'm anxious.  Not to mention, hypersensitive.  Oh, and fun, what's that?

I only know the time we'll wrestle is indefinite.  Autism'll always have me pinned, because my weakness is my child.  And I hear you all loud and clear, shouting from the stands, "Be strong, Gillian.  Don't be afraid.  This doesn't define Aksel.  You're doing the right thing."

Yet, I can't look you in the eye for fear of breaking down.  For being weak, not in control.  Can you make my child speak?  Please.

It's just that at this stage in the game, autism is the victor.

So that's why I haven't been writing...

PS - I promise tomorrow's Wordless post will be upbeat and positive.

PPS - Despite my worry, which as you know I can't seem to control, Aksel's making lots of progress.

$50 Sephora e-Gift Card Results

The winner of Baby Talk without the Babble's latest giveaway is daveshir2005.  Congratulations, and enjoy your prize!

Entrants click here to verify the results of a Sephora Gift Card.

[PLEASE NOTE]  All entries were listed numerically based on the total number of submissions.  To be specific, the numeric winner of the contest was (comment) #731.

PS - All drawings conducted at random.org.

WW: Mulch Ado About Nothing

Like any two-year-old boy, my kid loves to be outside, in the dirt.  Or better yet, tasting mulch and hugging trees.

And all I can say, is I'm one lucky momma!  Happy Birthday, Aksel!

WW: A 'Big Top' Birthday, Pt 1

We celebrated our little boy's second birthday this past weekend...

As a side note, it was a circus!  No really, it was!  Here for your viewing delight, are a few shots from Aksel's 'big top' birthday bash:

Aksel's Personalized Clown Cupcake Toppers 

(HANDMADE BY YOURS TRULY)

Cake by Sweetsmith Bakery

The Birthday Boy!  (And, Party Ringmaster!)

More photos (and details) to follow shortly.  Happy Wednesday!

Jellycat {Cordy Roy} Giveaway Results

The winner of Baby Talk without the Babble's latest giveaway is Precilla.  Congratulations, and enjoy your prize!

Entrants click here to verify the results of a Jellycat Giveaway.

Now, don't miss winning my other great giveaways.

[PLEASE NOTE]  All entries were listed numerically based on the total number of submissions.  To be specific, the numeric winner of the contest was (comment) #128.

PS - All drawings conducted at random.org.